What is a Sexless Marriage anyway?
Another article by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.HopefulSolutions.net There are a lot of people out there who are stuck in a “sexless marriage.” Nobody seemed to notice much, and nobody seemed to be talking about the whole “sexless marriage problem” until June 30 of 2003. That was the month that Newsweek Magazine published a cover story article titled We’re Not In the Mood: For married couples with kids and busy jobs, sex just isn’t what it used to be. How stress causes strife in the bedroom – and beyond, by Kathleen Deveny. She wrote, “It’s difficult to say exactly how many of the 113 million married Americans are too exhausted or too grumpy to get it on, but some psychologists estimate that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which is how the experts define sexless marriage.” Wow! It was as if the lights had been turned on and a bunch of us were caught! Except, a whole lot of us weren’t doing anything bad at all. In fact, some of us are hardly doing anything at all, and that seems to be the problem. What, exactly, is a “sexless marriage” and why is it a problem? Well, beyond the 10 times or less a year, there are a world of issues that are underneath what is called a “sexless marriage.” Those issues rise to the surface and become manifested in a lack of sex between two married people. In other words, a lack of sex is like a high temperature. It isn’t exactly the problem, but a symptom of some deeper problems that should not go un-addressed. So, you get your calendar out and take a look at the little check marks and see if you fit the category. Lots of couples do, according to the statistics, some of which I will share with you in a minute. For now, suffice it to say that there are millions and millions of couples out there for whom a sexless marriage is a real problem. But is it? Is it really a “problem?” Good question. Yes, there are a lot of different kinds of marriage problems that are clearly problems. Spouse abuse, for example, is clearly a problem. An affair is clearly a problem. But what if a couple isn’t having sex, and the rest of their relationship is just hunky dory? Is a sexless marriage a problem, or isn’t it? Maybe it is just the way it is between some couples, and if they are okay with it, why make it a problem? Truth is, lots of folks aren’t very happy at all about being in a sexless marriage. It is hard to believe that the millions and millions of couples living in a sexless marriage are just fine with the way things are. Frankly, you wouldn’t be reading this article if you didn’t want to make a change. I get that. Here is what Michele Weiner Davis writes in her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage. It is estimated at that one out of every three couples struggle with problems associated with low sexual desire. One study found that 20 percent of married couples have sex fewer than 10 times a year! Complaints about low desire are the #1 problem brought to sex therapists. And if you’ve been thinking that low sexual desire is only “a woman’s thing,” think again. Many sex therapists believe that low sexual desire in men is America’s best-kept secret. (p.4) With a lack of desire comes a struggle with self-esteem. “Why doesn’t my partner want sex with me anymore? Why don’t I want to be involved with my partner? What is wrong with me? With us?” When one partner who is being “starved” sexually begins to react negatively, then the “4 Viruses that will kill a marriage” begin to take over. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and the silent treatment can move a sexless marriage to a marriage that ends in an emotional divorce . . . or a legal divorce. Sexless marriages are real, they are common, they can be nothing of consequence to the couple involved, or they can be a symptom of something deeper that will lead to marital struggles of serious consequence. This article is provided by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, LCSW, content expert at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Always use your common sense when seeking advice for your sexless marriage. Where appropriate, always consult your physician. ©2003 - 2006 Dr. Andrew D. Atwood. All rights reserved. HopefulSolutions.net is a service of The Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation, 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49503. Contact Information: DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net. I welcome your comments or questions. If you offer a complementary service or web site, I would like to talk to you about cooperating to build our sites to serve more people. Please know also that I assume no responsibility or liability for the actions of any kind of those who visit my site and read my material or the material of my contributors. |
What
is a sexless marriage? Do
you want help with
your Sexless Marriage? Why
do we have a sexless
marriage? What
BIG challenges are
facing a sexless relationship? How
can I get help on a
Sexless Marriage? How
can living in a sexless marriage work? I’m
a woman in a sexless
marriage – now what? Why
are men in sexless marriages for years? Is
there help for a sexless
Christian marriage? Why
not sexless marriage? Can it work? What
about a sexless
marriage after sixty? Is
repairing sexless marrige possible? How
does a woman in a
sexless marriage cope? Do
you want some FREE relationship advice? Are
you in a sexless loveless marriage? Can
I do better than living in a sexless marriage? There’s
no sex and I’m frustrated and angry!
