How to find good professional help for When I had a used 1964 Chevy while in college, I could service much of the mechanics by myself. Today, all I can do is fill up the windshield washer fluid, and add air to the tires. That's about it. I need help with everything else. Below you will find helpful suggestions, organized in the same 5 Challenge Areas that make up my Integrated Model for Online Sex Advice, which you can learn about at www.HopefulSolutions.net. There is a recurring theme to my advice - Take responsibility for your own life! Be proactive about your own care. Don't be passive, but be active in your attention to your own life. Now, for some advice on where to find a good people to help you with your challenges. Help for Your Biological Challenges When someone comes to me with a "sexual dysfunction" I almost always begin with a referral to a physician for a thorough physical examination. This is especially the case if there is any reason at all to believe that something physical is involved. For example, if we are trying to work through an erectile dysfunction, I recommend a trip to the Urologist.Men are less likely to go to their physician than are women. Reflected in this hesitancy are old attitudes men have about any demonstration of weakness. Nonetheless, if you are a guy, get your butt to the Doctor! And, once you get there, stay in control of your care. I recently had an elevated PSA count (jumped 1.4 points in a year… a potential sign for cancer) and so I went to my Urologist. Never met the man before this appointment, and any guy who is going to be sticking his finger up my butt to check my prostate needs to be someone I know. So before we get into the exam, I asked him about himself, where he went to school, why he got into medicine, why he chose this specialty, if he was married and how many kids he had… Yes, we talked about his new 14 year old step-son and I offered him some advice… all of this BEFORE the exam. I made direct eye contact with him throughout the entire conversation. He knows I am a person, too. I told him my story, of the tremendous stress I had been under in the last 12 months with 6 deaths in our family, etc. I am a person to him, and he is a person to me. Help for Your Personal Emotional and Cognitive Challenges There are a variety of professionals that can offer you sound advice. Psychiatrists are Medical Doctors, or Doctors of Osteopathy, who are certified to work with mental disorders. Today, most regretfully, most Psychiatrists are relegated to dispensing medication. Their expertise is extraordinarily helpful when needed. Your own Primary Care Physician might refer you to a Psychiatrist for medication. Psychologists come in a couple of different forms depending upon their degrees and levels of training. You always want to work with someone who is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Social Workers have the degree of Master of Social Work and some certification to go with the degree. These people have broad training, so again look for someone with specific training in an area of importance to you. Marriage and Family Therapists are the people that I think are best suited to work with you and your sexless marriage problems, especially if they have had some special training or experience in this area. Here is an important link for you, www.AAMFT.org which will take you right to the website maintained by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, where you will find their "Therapist Locator." Licensed Professional Counselors are a relatively new group with a variety of training experiences. Check again for specific training in marriage and family therapy. Then there are Religious Leaders who can bring you great pastoral skills. Generally, this group is not well trained in the specifics of psychotherapy, but they can provide great support in times of need. You can also go to the website of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists at www.aasect.org, where you can do a search for an AASECT member near you. What you don't want to do is spend money on gizmos sold in the back pages of magazines, or gadgets that are sold over the internet that guarantee hot sex with enormously enlarged erections, etc. You know what I am talking about. That stuff is a rip-off, as you expected. If it promises too much, it promises too much. Find someone you can trust. I always tell someone who calls me out of the blue, which is rather rare in my practice, to shop around for a therapist that is appropriately degreed, trained, and licensed. Find that person and then "be a good consumer." Interview that therapist to see if you like the person, and even more importantly, if that therapist likes you. I do not recommend that you look for a therapist that seems overly clinical and overly neutral. Someone who is accepting, smart, experienced, and who seems to have lived a little . . . that would be my choice. In fact, when my wife and I did get some therapy for the better part of a year in the mid 90's, we found exactly that sort of person. Help for Your Cultural Challenges Who can help you when your character is in question? If you are not a good member of your tribe, then you might want to find the person who is the keeper of wisdom in your tribe for some help. This person could be a Grandmother, or it could be a Psychotherapist. It could be your Religious Leader. It could be a friend. In all cases, you are looking for someone who has traveled at least ½ a step further along the Journey of Life than you have. When I was moving from being an Adult to a Lover I had terrific support from a small group of friends, and two clergy. They helped me to work through the guilt and shame I was confronting as I entertained truths that were far outside of the boundaries of my community of faith. They were enormously helpful. Remember, your sexual behavior may well be stymied because you don't believe any other behavior would be "right." If your morality and ethics seem to be jamming you up, get some coaching from someone who is wise enough to encourage you through to a higher level of being. Consider psychotherapy with a seasoned helper. The right person can help you to see your way clear to a much easier way of living in your world. Help for Your Relationship Challenges. I want to recommend the same list that I gave you above for help with those issues that impact your mind and soul, but I want to encourage you to look more for Marriage and Family Therapists than any of the others. Of course, it is the specific training that I am most concerned with. Not every mental health professional is well versed in social and interpersonal coaching. If the issues you are struggling with in your sexless marriage clearly involve your relationship with your partner, then you would be smart to work with someone who is educated, trained, and experienced in working with couples. Even if the issues facing your sexless marriage are personal, for example, one of you has an illness that is making it difficult to engage well sexually, then the impact is on both of you. If one of you is in trouble sexually, then both of you are in trouble. Both of you should get help. Help for Your Spiritual and Energetic Challenges Finally, there are a growing number of people in the expanding field of "body work professionals." These are people who do Reiki, massage, acupuncture, and the like. You want to be cautious about working with these folks only because the field is new and there are not a lot of consistent regulations governing these various professions. This is always the case when anything new emerges, especially something like this, which challenges many of the rigidly held assumptions of the traditional medical community. Look for people who are in "complimentary" fields, and you should be in good care. But, maybe you need to stop and evaluate the whole spectrum of your life. One of the biggest challenges facing couples today is the sheer busyness of life. Too much to do, and not enough time! This is the single most common complaint I hear from people in my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I get it because I've been trapped in busyness, too! I got rid of a lot of extraneous stuff, including activities I attended, and personal possessions that cluttered my life. The relief was good for me and us. |
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