“Are you telling me that there is hope for the trouble my marriage is in because of our lousy sex?” Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. If one or the other of you has cut off sex… there is help.
“But the frustration and uncertainty are driving me nuts! You really think I can get on top of this, even if my partner is reluctant to deal with this stuff?” Yes, I really think YOU can… whether you are the one that has lost your desire for sex, or if your partner is the one… I’ve got help here for both of you. “So what’s the deal? Our sexual relationship is screwed up and our marriage is really on shaky ground because of it. This is such a hard subject to talk about, and every fix I’ve tried is getting me nowhere. What am I supposed to do?
I’m Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, and I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Over the course of 30 plus years I’ve worked with hundreds and hundreds of couples. Not always, but often enough… a couple comes into my office and reports to me that their sexual relationship has fallen apart and their marriage is in serious trouble. Sometimes there are significant problems in their marriage and, as a consequence of their struggle, sexual desire has flown out the window. On other occasions, the loss of sexual desire is THE problem in their relationship, and the BIG problem that has brought them to therapy. Yes, sometimes a loss of sexual desire is a symptom of other problems, and sometimes it is THE BIG problem all by itself. Regardless, it is a frustrating issue to work through for every couple. “Yea, tell me about it! It is incredibly frustrating to be married to someone who doesn’t want to have sex!” Yes, and it can be incredibly frustrating for you, and your partner, if either one of you has lost your sexual desire. Both of you are likely to be very frustrated. If you are frustrated because you have lost your desire for sex, or if you are frustrated because your partner has lost his or her desire for sex… then you know how challenging this can be for each of you. Make no mistake about it… this is tough stuff for any couple to deal with. I’ll bet you have lied awake at night trying to figure out what is wrong, and how to fix it. “Been awake at night, been distracted when I’m at work, been moody and confused… this is a terrific drain on me. Just terrific.” Experience has taught me that people who get stuck like this are in real trouble if they become hopeless, and believe they are helpless. And
I’m here to tell you that there is Nobody can sit, as I have, with hundreds of couples for over 62,000 hours, without learning something from them! I’m not kidding. Sure, I have all the degrees and licenses… but there is no substitute for decades of experience working with real live people who are struggling with the real live challenges of married life. I’m here to tell you, unequivocally, that there is HOPE for you and your marriage. As Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over ‘till it’s over.” There are more innings to be played. There are more places to go, people to visit with, moments to share, dreams to realize, and hopes to be fulfilled. And this HOPE I offer is a well-founded HOPE. It isn’t just a pie in the sky fantasy we are after, but a solid and well-founded HOPE that is grounded in this fact: Today, we know what works in a healthy marriage, and we know what doesn’t work. If you do what works, you will reap the wonderful results of your labor. If you do what is known through research and years of clinical experience to not work… then your marriage will struggle along, and likely end. Which brings me to HELP. I can HELP you to do what works in a marriage, and I can HELP you to stop doing what doesn’t work. It doesn’t have to be impossibly difficult. Learn, practice, get feedback, and try again… until you have created a relationship that works – and that includes a sexual relationship that works! Right now, I would expect you to be thinking something like this: “Sounds too good to be true. How can somebody give me advice over the Internet that will help me in my marriage? You can’t fix a so called ‘sexless marriage’ by reading you’ve written… no matter how experienced you claim to be.” Another excellent question, and one I have obviously anticipated. Here are my 3 responses. But let me assure
you right now that I have a whole lot of advice that is uniquely
organized to help you to find the answers you need to successfully
address the challenges facing both of you. But, more on that in
a minute. So, I’m giving you a 100% Guarantee on the advice I’m offering you. If you don’t believe that the advice I offer is solid, if you don’t believe that it offers you a well-founded HOPE and some practical HELP, then just email me and I’ll refund the purchase price to you… no questions asked. “Oh, here is where he tries to get me to spend money.” Heck yes, you are going to have to spend some money… but darn little. Comparatively, this is pretty cheap help. I want to address the other 2 reasons why my offer isn’t “too good to be true.”
And they work at doing what works, and they stop working at what doesn’t work! This advice really will make a difference in your life! I’ve been a Pastoral Counselor since 1974, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Master Social Worker since 1980. I’m a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists since 1980. Two Governors of the State of Michigan appointed me to what ended up being a 9-year term on the State Licensing Board for Marriage and Family Therapy. I have two master’s degrees and a doctorate. I’m one of a dozen people that work at the Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation in Grand Rapids, Michigan… a Center that I co-founded in 1976. But, most importantly, I’ve spent 62,000 hours working with individuals, couples, and families. If I wasn’t good at what I do, I wouldn’t have spent all that time working with good people who are just like you. The Center where I work is a “group private-practice,” which means we get our clients from word of mouth. Satisfied clients refer their family and friends. If you are good at what you do, you stay busy. If you aren’t, you don’t. It’s that simple. I’ve been busy and I’ve learned a ton from decades of experience. My clients have taught me so much. Being a marriage and family therapist continues to be an amazing privilege. Two days ago a guy used this simple explanation to describe his relationship with his wife: “It’s the convoy principle. No convoy can move any faster than the slowest moving vehicle in the convoy. My wife just doesn’t want to move, and I can’t stand it. I’ve just separated from her over the years.” If you want to learn more about me you can go to my website at www.AndyAtwood.com. No secrets here. “So, you’ve gone to school and you’ve spent years working with people… What makes you think your advice will work for ME?” Because I’m betting that your challenges aren’t Totally Unique.
See the range covered by the arrow? Of course you do. I’m betting that the challenges you face in your “sexless marriage” fall to the right of the vertical line… that what you are struggling with is pretty typical, and even extremely common. 80% of the struggles couples have with their sexual relationship fall to the right of the line. If your challenges are Totally Unique, then you should be seeing me in my office for weekly appointments for 6 months to 2 years. That’s pretty much out of the question, so you should be working with a trained and experienced therapist near you. “Okay… enough for now. What Advice are you offering for somebody like me who is stuck in a relationship without satisfying sex, but who isn’t on the low end of the scale?” I’ve got a totally unique model for addressing the challenges you face, and I have a very long list of sharp to-the-point articles that get right at the stuff you are working with. “Get more specific with me, will ya!” Okay, I’ll give you my Uniquely Comprehensive Model for Online Sex Advice first, and then I’ll share something of the Table of Contents from my eBook, Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage. If you listen to Oprah or Dr. Phil, read Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Playboy, or any of the scores of self-help books on the market, you will likely get some good solid advice. I subscribe to a number of “Grocery Aisle” magazines just so I can follow what my client’s are reading. I also have 100 books or more on the subject of marriage, and sexless marriages in particular. Oh, yes… the commonly accepted definition of a “sexless marriage” is one where the couple has intercourse 10 times a year or less. Frankly, there is a whole lot more to be “sexless” than frequency, as you know. For example…. You can have sex twice that many times, but if each time one of you is giving the other a “mercy fuck” then I would consider that a “sexless.” A “sexless marriage” has its own definition among the professionals, but I’m focusing on marriages that are in trouble and the sexual part of the relationship is either THE BIG problem, or a major, major symptom of something else. In either case, the marriage is in “deep trouble.” What all the experts seem to lack is a comprehensive and well-integrated model for what is happening in a sexless marriage. In my eBook…
I begin by offering some General Advice. Here is where you will find Articles that address some of the most common problems encountered by people stuck in a sexless marriage. Just look at some of these titles:
And… 13 more articles! Right here is an excellent example of why I am publishing all of this on the Internet. I’m working on an article titled “Why it is important that she comes first, and how to make it happen.” If I had published all of my material in a hard-bound copy I would never be able to edit and modify the text. But here I am, working on an article on the fine art of fingers and tongue… and I’ll make the article available to you, through an email, once you have purchased Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage. Check the box at the top of this page for an update on the number of articles included in my eBook, and the total number of pagers. Now, let’s move on to the next section. The FIRST CHALLENGE AREA in my unique and comprehensive model addresses common, and not so common BIOLOGICAL CHALLENGES. Included here are 35 articles covering about 55 pages in length. These numbers are estimates because I do add more material as I move along, and I always send out an email to everyone who has a copy of Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage giving them a free copy. This Challenge Area is the one that the medical community focuses on almost entirely. “Hmmm… I wonder what is wrong with this person’s body that might be preventing or reducing sexual desire or performance?” Excellent question. Problem is, it isn’t the only question that needs to be asked. More on that when we get to the other Challenge Areas. Here is something of what is included in the Area of Biological Challenges.
And at least 25 more articles! Yes, there are many very real Biological Challenges that can be affecting his lack of desire for sex, or hers. The key to this is to understand that if she has a Biological Challenge, like Vaginismus… then that very real problem is going to impact her thoughts, feelings, and behavior around sex. And that impacts her partner… and the whole thing can spin out of control. A real problems gives rise to another real problem, and on and on it goes! Or, suppose he has an Erectile Dysfunction. Is his inability to get it up and keep it up due to a physical problem, or to something else? It can, you see, get pretty dicey. And here is one of those areas that NEVER is hardly ever addressed… the Cultural Challenges that can both positively and negatively impact your sexual relationship. The SECOND CHALLENGE AREA in my unique and comprehensive model addresses common, and not so common CULTURAL CHALLENGES. Now you might be wondering about “Cultural Challenges” and how they might impact your sexual relationship. The ever so subtle impact of the unseen rules and regulations that govern sex and relationships can work their way right in between you. Believe me on this one. You have to get about 130 pages into my eBook before you get to such topics as:
I’m working hard at this area, researching and adding more material regularly. This, frankly, is where some of the subtlest of issues can arise. There is a huge difference in “proper sexual behavior” if you look at a liberal Italian family system, and a conservative Dutch family system. As I said, I’m working on this intriguing area of research for practical implications that affect the people I work with. As articles are written, they will be emailed to you. The real areas of my expertise are the next two: Personal and Relationship Challenges. The THIRD CHALLENGE AREA in my unique and comprehensive model addresses common, and not so common PERSONAL CHALLENGES. One of the basic facts about relationship problems, especially if they involve a struggle around sex, is that there is a huge difference between the common struggles facing a 20 year old, than there are a 40 year old… or a 60 year old. Life is a journey. We all know that. There are specific developmental issues that we all have to work through as a normal part of growing up. That’s why my first article is titled:
If you are a dependent child trying to make love with a rebel, or an adult with an outlaw… it can all be confusing and challenging. You will see that I make much of the normal stages of growing up and how they can become perverted and distorted, thus negatively impacting your relationship. Here are some other Article titles:
At last count there were more than 35 Articles in this Area alone. There are a lot of personal issues that can be involved in a reluctance to engage in satisfactory sex. I’ve address a lot of them in these 50 plus pages. And then there is the sticky area of relationships. Take a look at what I offer here. The FOURTH CHALLENGE AREA in my unique and comprehensive model addresses common, and not so common RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES. It is hard, frankly, to know which is the horse, and which is the cart. I have a survey on my website at www.HopefulSolutions.net, and over time… and after hundreds and hundreds of people have completed the survey… the results stay about the same. 71.9% of the men and 58.1% of the women say that their marriage is in “deep trouble” because of the lack of satisfying sex in their relationship. That is DEEP TROUBLE, and that is not good. I have a huge commitment to marriage. My personal opinion is that a marriage is the single greatest classroom in which to learn the lessons necessary to become a mature human being. Yes, there is no better place in which to grow up than at home with your partner. Every problem you need to solve, every skill you need to acquire, ever piece of your ego that needs to die… all of it can be found in the relationship between the two of you. So when I learn that almost two-thirds of the men, and half of the women who complete my survey say their marriage is in DEEP TROUBLE… well I get concerned. Here are some of the titles for the articles in this Area:
Okay… let’s see…. There are 53 articles in this Area alone as of today, covering about 100 pages in my eBook. That’s a lot of material. But, that still isn’t all, because there is one other Challenge Area that I have seen in my work with couples in my office. The FIFTH CHALLENGE AREA in my unique and comprehensive model addresses common, and not so common SPIRITUAL AND ENERGETIC CHALLENGES. Yup… would you guess that spiritual and energetic issues can get in the way of good sex? 20 years ago I wouldn’t have said so. This isn’t some new age mumbo jumbo either. This is based on solid research and lots of clinical experience. Look at these topics:
You get the idea. There is the loss of energy that comes with being tired from working hard physically. I’ve been putting up a dropped ceiling in my studio at home, and I’m tired from working above my head. My right arm, which suffers yet from a torn rotator cuff, aches after I work for an hour with a heavy cordless drill over my head! No doubt about it. But then there is weary… and that is a whole different thing than tired. I’m weary from spending too much energy giving to other people. I’m weary from solving problems, from struggling, from managing anxiety and frustration. Weary can only be fixed at a spiritual, soulful level. Tired needs some rest and relaxation. Weary needs spiritual and energetic nourishment. People aren’t having sex today because they are weary. No doubt about it. One of the biggest books on the market is all about this very subject, and the advice offered in it would make Nike happy… “Just do it!” The recommendation is to just start having sex and you will get into it; you can overcome your weariness if you will just do it! Play around with each other and sooner or later someone will become aroused. Simple enough advice, and if it is that simple, terrific! But more often than not, just one person gets aroused, if anyone does. More frustration. More disappointment. More conflict. More doubt about the worth of the marriage. Ugg. Don’t want to go there. Do you really know what you are fighting in your sexless marriage? I’m limited in how much I can tell you here because of issues of confidentiality. But what I can tell you is that it is not likely that there are simple answers to the question… “How can we have more sex in our marriage?” Here is the secret, however, and if you pay attention to this advice, you will improve your chances enormously. Stop focusing on the symptoms, and stop behaving in foolish ways. “Hey now… sounds like you’re preaching at me, and sort of critical… and I don’t need any more of that!” No, what you need are solutions. Real solutions to your real problem. Let me give you a couple of hypothetical examples, SCENARIO’S, that reinforce my point. IMAGINE THIS SCENARIO: A man is so incredibly frustrated with his wife for her lack of interest in sex that he has moved from asking, to begging, to name calling, to withdrawing from her, to thinking about having an affair with a woman at work. What is going on here? What are the REAL problems? This woman delivered their first and second children by caesarean section, a common enough practice. Unknown to everyone, there was some nerve damage done during the process that reduced the amount of physical sensation she could experience. She thought it would just come back in time. Their sexual relationship continued after the second child, but this physical change, which she did not report to her husband or her doctor, caused her mind to wander during sex thus reinforcing her lack of arousal. The family system from which she comes places very, very high value on having a large family with many children. Of course, the only way to have children is to have intercourse. If she complies with the family injunction, she will have sex and more children. But if she complies she is doing something that she doesn’t want to do. A double bind is built; damned if she does, and damned if she doesn’t. She tends to be a little obsessive compulsive and thus finds herself obsessing about not having sex, yet having more children. She is not “well-differentiated” in her relationships with either he parents and extended family, or her husband. She is very much an Adult who lives by the rules of her world. It is so very important for her to stop and figure out what is important to her so that she can set a course for her own life that is respectful of all the others, but where she does more than just defer to everyone. She needs to grow up another notch, and she knows it. Lots of issues here. He is behaving badly and the “4 Killer Viruses” have really settled into their relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These 4 are going to kill this relationship. In fact, these 4 Killer Viruses together make up one of the 6 Fatal Errors that lead to divorce. The way they are relating to each other has become a “Control Drama” in which each person is fighting to get what they want. Little honest and intimate sharing is taking place because they are caught up in the Control Drama that has taken on a life of its own. She, especially, is just weary from the whole thing. The double-bind is sucking the life right out of her. There is a depression creeping into her life and she is getting advice from friends to get on some anti-depressants. The problem is, she knows that the anti-depressants tend to lower one’s libido and that will only make the problems worse! Another double-bind. The depression becomes more profound.
Here is a guy in his late 20’s who happens to have a very low arousal and orgasmic threshold. He has known he has been “over sexed” ever since puberty. It doesn’t take much for him to become aroused and it doesn’t take much for him to come. Hence, he has been prone to premature ejaculation. As is often the case, opposites attract. He married a very reserved, prim and proper young lady who wears unwrinkled clothing… even when she is cleaning around the house. He wants to mess it up with her, but she wants to keep it clean. He wants a lot of oral sex, and she thinks sex is dirty. If you look at each person’s family… you can see exactly the same attitudes back three generations. How much of this is genetic, and how much is modeling… no one knows. He hates coming to quickly. It frustrates him, makes him feel weak and unmanly. So, he has taken to using solo sex and porn to satisfy his desire for daily sex. And he has discovered that he can practice prolonging his arousal and ejaculation this way, which gives him a greater sense of control when he is with his wife. But, he doesn’t feel right about the daily habit of porn and solo sex… real men do it with real women. There is a growing distance between these two fine people. It is as though there is a big elephant in the living room that no one is talking about. She knows he is into porn, but frankly, it is a relief to her. She feels inadequate for sure, but dreads his daily overtures for sex even more. Without authentic and open communication between them, their lives separate ever so slowly. On the surface, they look great. But ask either one of them about the true quality of their relationship and they don’t even want to talk about it. The situation is ripe for a big incident that will force them to communicate more effectively. The big incident might be a good one, or it might be a very bad one. In time, we will know. Even though he fancies himself “a real man,” this guy has a deep and profound longing for intimacy. Where is he getting his energy from, and where is he getting it rejuvenated? Like anyone with addictive behavior, he is chasing after a counterfeit God. He has lost touch with his highest sense of his own true self, and instead is becoming more and more fixated on getting a fix. Just from these two scenarios, you can see how difficult it can be to accurate “diagnose” the real problem in a marriage that is struggling, and especially in a sexless marriage that is struggling. But the truth is, these are issues that are to the right of the line. They are just a sampling of the many, many issues that are confronting people who are stuck in a sexless marriage. But, I’m betting that you are, as I said earlier, among the 80% that have solvable problems if you only can cut through the issues.
A warning: Helpful advice, even from the most well intended experts, is not likely to take all 5 Challenge Areas into consideration.
Even if you don’t purchase my eBook, do some serious thinking about how you and your partner are doing in all 5 of the Challenge Areas. If you are working with another therapist in your community, ask him or her to consider all 5 Challenge Areas and the possibility that something in one or more area is the real problem. And of course, as you can see from the two simple scenarios above, how one Area can impact the others. “Wow, this is actually starting to sound more complicated than I think it really should be. I mean, does all of this have to be so complicated?” That’s another great question. You two can be struggling with a mild problem that is fairly common. For example, one of you is deep into being a parent right now and you are not focusing your attention on being a husband or a wife… and a consequence of that is that you are putting all of your energy into your relationship with your children. That can be a changed pretty easily. But suppose the female in your marriage (and maybe this is you, and maybe it is your partner) was sexually abused as a child and all of the garbage associated with that is impacting your body, mind, soul, and spirit right now… today… with your beloved partner. That is a huge issue. No matter, I’ve seen people work at huge issues and make huge headway! It is like anything else in life, really. Little problems can be addressed with relative ease and in a relatively short period of time. If all I need is more gas in my tank, that’s simple. If I need my engine overhauled, that is another story. There is one common thread running through my advice, however, and this is the secret to creating a good life for your self no matter what…. I’m going to coach you to grow up. Yes, I’m going to encourage you to take the next step on your personal journey toward maturity. I’m been a student of the subject of happiness. In fact, I have written a five lesson eCourse on happiness, A Positive Psychology Primer which people from all over the world have purchased… from Zambia, to Denmark, to Malaysia, to Ohio. There has been a great deal of significant research done in the whole field of happiness. What, truly, makes us happy? And, what can we do to make ourselves happier? The happiness that lasts comes from having deeply rewarding relationships with family and friends. It isn’t money that really makes us happy. It isn’t great sex that really makes us happy. It isn’t a lot of the stuff that we typically associate with the pursuit of happiness that actually brings us the deep joys associated with being alive. The happiness that lasts comes from having deeply rewarding relationships with family and friends. I want you to have a happy life, and the only way I know for that to happen is for you to grow up enough to be able to have deeply rewarding relationships with your family and your friends. So that is the direction I’m going to encourage you to take. It isn’t about changing your partner (although your partner might have to change), and it isn’t about learning some new sexual technique. It is about growing up enough to deal with life effectively, as a mature adult that understands the realities of what it means to live in a world full of people… normal people with “issues.” So here is my offer. My normal hourly fee is $100, USD, for a 50 minute appointment. Sometimes I charge less, sometimes more depending on the economic circumstances of the people who have asked me for help. I’m only charging $37.00 for my eBook, Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage. You will get the whole thing in downloadable format for that price. If you want a copy already printed and in a loose leaf notebook mailed to you, or a CD version mailed to you, those options are available as well. (Make sure you check the top of this page to find out the exact number of articles and pages in the current edition.) And, of course, I recognize the perceived risk in purchasing an eBook over the internet, so I’m taking the risk away. You have my promise of 100% money back guarantee if you are not satisfied with Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage. Consider the alternatives if you keep doing what you have already been doing:
Here is what you can do NOW!
Remember, you want to sort through the REAL issues in your relationship, and you want to plot a step-by-step course out of the dilemma you are in. I want the same thing for you. Great Marriage! Great Sex! So if you are interested in having my eBook, Great Marriage! Great Sex! right in your hands within the next 5 minutes, just click here: Let’s all work together to create both a Great Marriage, and Great Sex! Warm Regards,
PS: Don’t forget the 100%
money back guarantee. If, after reading my PPS: Once you purchase Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage you will receive periodic emails from me, “Dr. Atwood,” with updates. New articles are under development all the time and I pass them along to my customers free of charge. |
Hi,
First, I’ll take the risk right out of this for you. I can understand your skepticism when it comes to taking advice
from me. After all, not everything that we find on the Internet
is what it is purported to be. Just because it is claimed to be
true doesn’t make it factual.
What
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about a sexless
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does a woman in a
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you want some FREE relationship advice? Are
you in a sexless loveless marriage? Can
I do better than living in a sexless marriage? There’s
no sex and I’m frustrated and angry!
