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“Stuck in a Sexless Marriage and wondering if you should divorce? Avoid the disaster of a wrong choice!”

“Be wise and base your decision to divorce on your emotions balanced with your logic… it’s the only sane way!”

I’ve got some terrific, practical advice for you from someone who has struggled through the jungle of issues involved in this critically important question:

“Why do you think you need a divorce?”

Karl Augustine went around and around this question, and suffered along the way. Finally, out of desperation, he sat down and intentionally focused on the question.

He began to methodically work his way through the jungle of issues, until he arrived at clarity.

It wasn’t easy, but Karl arrived at a decision that he new was right, and he knew he could live with.

Now, through hisPractical Guide to Deciding Whether or Not To Get A Divorce,” Karl is sharing the step-by-step process he discovered as he carefully navigated his way from one issue to the next.

What I especially find valuable is Karl’s map.

He has given us a wonderful map of the process he went through, a map that clearly shows you all of the “forks in the road.” A map that gives you the tools to decide which fork is the best one for you and for those that are important to you.

Is Karl’s process necessarily easy?

No. Definitely not. But….

Over and over again he affirms you
and encourages you.

You are encouraged to put your thoughts and your feelings on the table, in plain sight, so that you can make the best decision. Such honesty can be difficult, but it is the only path to take.

The third path that Karl takes you on is one of “definitions.” The way you personally gave definition to your marriage at the outset might have changed over time. The same might be said for your spouse’s definition of marriage. Things do change. Your definitions for a “good marriage” might be different today. Your definitions of a “good sexual relationship” might also have changed.

Again and again, Karl encourages a step-by-step
logical process that sorts out your definition of
marriage from your partner’s definition.

And, the focus isn’t on all the negative memories of the past, or all of the conflict in the present. No, not at all. There were good times in the past, and there are probably good times in the present. If it were all horrible, you wouldn’t be in this dilemma!

Good marriage? Bad marriage? Good sex? Bad sex? Should I go, or should I stay? Sooner or later you will make a decision, one way or the other.

Wouldn’t it be good to be able to predict something of
how everyone will react to your decision?

Everyone… Including yourself?

Yes, there are always other people involved when there is a divorce, especially if there are children. The research on the impact of divorce on children is not good.

You want to think ahead and consider the impact your decision to stay, or go, will have on everyone else. But, you do not what to sacrifice yourself for others. That doesn’t work.

“But, am I being selfish and rushing to judgment?”

That’s a reasonable and good question. You want to be very careful because the consequences are going to be enormous.

In Chapter 6, Karl provides a specific process for getting right at the logic behind the critical question: “Why do you think you need a divorce?”

Simple question, but if you come up with the wrong answer, you might well live to regret your decision.

Once you get through Karl’s 7 Steps, you will have greater clarity. You will know which path to take.

But, do you have the courage to do what you know you must do? If you decide to try again, to press for a healthier relationship, to get into therapy and work at reconciling and building your relationship… it will take a lot of courage on your part, and on your spouse’s part as well.

But if you decide to take the other path, that will also take a lot of courage!

As you work your way through the jungle of
issues, will you make the right choices? Will
you go down the right path?

For years I have been telling people, “It is easier to change your actions, than it is to change your thoughts, than it is to change your feelings.” Everyone wants to change their feelings, but that only happens when you change your thoughts, and you can often change your thoughts by changing your actions. Follow that?

Of course you do. You know you have to do something different or your feelings aren’t going to change. But you are being thoughtful and careful. You are considering the consequences. And you don’t want to miss anything as you make your decision whether to work on your marriage, or not.

Once you start down the path of your choice, you will have to engage in some serious forgiveness, and it isn’t just your spouse who needs forgiveness. That’s Chapter 8.

Voices… do you hear the voices in your head?

That is you talking with yourself over and over again, second-guessing, trying to anticipate, on and on… into the night!

How you communicate with yourself is more important
than how you communicate with your spouse.

Did you know that? The research says its true. 30 years of personal and professional experience says its true. Your own common sense will tell you it is true.

Oh no! You have looped back and you’re at the same old fork in the road, or you are at a brand new fork… “One trick that is helpful and works to clarify what road to take is to think ahead.” (p.32) “But,” you say, “Karl, tell me how to think ahead when I am overwhelmed with my feelings and confused about all the issues! I don’t know what is right to do!”

Terrific. That’s just what Karl does. And, he does it step-by-step. He will help you to get clarity. He will help you to have a crystal clear picture of what you want out of your spouse, and your self.

And then he will help you with “interim goals.”

“But how about the practical stuff, like real estate
and my grandmother’s silver?”

Are material possessions getting in your spouses way? Is someone’s attachment to material things grounded in emotional insecurity? Are your priorities lined up correctly?

Chapter 11 will help you THINK it through, instead of allowing everyone’s emotions to run amok.

“Should I leave just because we aren’t
having sex,or good sex?”

This, obviously, is a critically important question for so many, many people. I’ve worked with hundreds of people who are stuck right here. Karl Augustine can help you to reason your way through to a solid decision.

“Should I stay married for the sake of the children?”

Perfect question. Only good and compassionate parents ask this question, so you must be one of them.

But where is the line between what is good for you, and what is good not only for the kids, but for everyone else? If it is good for the kids, but bad for you, what should you do?

This is a perfect time to “catastrophize” this whole thing – to blow it way out of proportion, to make a molehill into a mountain. No, it’s better to think your way through this, to reason it out to a logical conclusion, one way… or the other.

But at least make your choice after
considering all the issue and all the options.

“Do I have enough smarts and guts to firmly believe that I can be a great parent if I am divorced?”

“Is the pain I endure daily worth going through just because I think my child/children won’t be able to handle his/her/their parents getting a divorce?”

“Am I using the kid/s as an excuse to stay married?”

“Am I using the kid/s as an excuse to get a divorce?”

These are the kind of questions that Karl takes you through, and he helps you to come up with your own reasonable answers.

Was there an affair that drove you to this fork in the road?

Hey, whether you cheated, or your spouse cheated… this is really hard stuff to deal with. Your emotions can paralyze you, or make you incredibly reactive.

And who should feel guilty about what? What is really going on?

“But I’m afraid to decide!”

That is easy to understand. The stress and anxiety can make it so very difficult to think your way through to the best decision.

You will get caught trying to pick the least damaging path, instead of the one that holds the greatest potential. That is a very common mistake. But which, is which?

“You are spending more energy on making this
decision than you spent deciding to marry
in the first place.”

I’ve made that observation to many a person sitting in my office.

Yes, this is really complicated… and we are all lucky that somebody like Karl had the foresight to write down a detailed step-by-step map for working through this tangled jungle of issues.

If you feel like you have lost yourself along the way, don’t be surprised.

“Should I chose to stay in my sexless marriage
and deal with those issues which frustrate me
alone, or should I divorce and run the risk of
upsetting the apple cart?”

Tough, tough question.

But, when you can reasonably think your way through to a clear decision, you will make the right choice for yourself and for everyone else that is important to you, and you will know it.

In Karl’s last chapter is he takes you on a real “gut check” about the whole decision. Reality time! Wow.

Hard as it is to face the truth, it is better to face this stuff now, than be surprised by it in the future when your energy is down and your resources are depleted.

Bottom line from Karl: “If you’re sure, you’ll know it. If you don’t know, then you aren’t sure… if you aren’t sure, you’re 100% guaranteed to be in for some pain.”

Want to be 100% sure? Certainly you do.

“Stuck in a Sexless Marriage and wondering if you should
divorce? Avoid the disaster of an unreasonable

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Want to know if you should stay and work on your sexless marriage, or if you should leave?

I’ve left out so much of the excellent, practical help that Karl offers, but I know where you can learn more. Just CLICK HERE.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Andrew D. Atwood
Marriage and Family Therapist

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